What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
Dysregulation is a sign that we are out of balance. That our stress levels are high. That the various systems in our body and brain that keep us in a balanced, regulated state are compromised.
Dysregulation can and will look different for different people. It often shows up in our behaviour, mood, attention and overall well-being.
For me, dysregulation can look and feel like any combo of the following:
- Yelling!
- No patience
- The feeling that my blood is boiling
- Need space or not tolerating others in my space
- Feel overwhelmed, stuck or in a funk I can’t shift
- A sense of panic about what I am anticipating/my to-do list
- A LOT of scrolling
- Lots of procrastination
- Craving sugar and fast food
- Gut issues
- Energy level not matching the activity – too hyped up or too sluggish
For kids, the signs of dysregulation are just as wide and varied, and even contradictory. Dysregulation can look like:
- Hyperactivity or low energy levels
- Seemingly not able to listen, take in or process information or ignoring you
- Or listening into everything they shouldn’t be (hypervigilance)
- Excessive talking or difficulty finding words or making coherent sentences
- Whining, yelling, or contestant protesting
- Being really persistent or getting “stuck” on an idea or thing
- Being too clingy, or not tolerating anyone in the space
- Refusal, opposition, or rigidity
- The list goes on…
Many of the behaviours we see in our kids (and in us adults!) are stress behaviours – signs of dysregulation.
A little more on energy
One of the signs of dysregulation is when our energy or arousal doesn’t match the activity. This could look like being heightened or having a high energy when it is time for a quiet, slower activity. Like having a child who is up and down from the table and can’t sit still to eat their meal. Often, I see kids who have difficulty down-regulating - slowing or lowering their energy or arousal levels - so they can wind down enough to go to sleep.
The opposite can be true as well. Kids can have difficulty increasing their arousal, energy or alertness so they can do the things they need to do. These kids might be labelled as “lazy”, “avoidant”, “refusing” or “relaxed”. Sometimes they go unnoticed altogether. Other kids might self-regulate – manage their energy- in ways that might not be expected or ways that don’t follow the rules. They might use movement, noise, socialising, connection or attention seeking, or even something like food to try and bring their energy up, to ‘rev’ themselves up.
The key here is to notice. Notice when a child’s (or our own) energy doesn’t match the task or activity.
As the adult, our role is to help the child to up-regulate (bring their arousal up), or down-regulate (bring their arousal down), to help them match the task.
But how?
We do this through our own physiological state. Our energy. Our voice. our facial expressions. Our body language. Our gestures and movements.
If a child is heightened, we bring our calm. We lower our voices. Lower our volume. Use fewer words. Use a soothing, regulating, sing-song voice. Lower our body position (at or below eye level). Use slow movements. Open body posture. The aim is to calm and soothe.
On the other hand, if a child’s arousal is low and slow. We can help up-regulate them by talking in a more bright, energising voice. Using more animated gestures and facial expressions. Being more playful and silly.
We are the strategy.
We don’t need any fancy equipment or strategies. We need to tune in to where our kids are. Met them where they are at. Be present.
The environment can also help us up-regulate or down-regulate. For strategies and ideas to create a safe space in the home environment to down-regulate check out my free download here.
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