My 6 year old is coming to the end of kindergarten, and although he didn't seal Christmas, this week he was caught stealing money. Not from me, from a work colleague. During a meeting. Right under my nose.
'Tis the season to be jolly... but along with all that Christmas hype often comes some challenging behavior. We all feel the strain and the push to get through this time of year, particularly if you have kids who are suffering end-of-term-itis.
My initial instinct when faced with this stealing issue, is to fall into the old self-control paradigm - blaming myself for 'poor parenting', worrying about my colleague's opinions of me and my child, consider punishing him for this behavior and a stern talking to about the 'rights' and 'wrongs' of taking things that don't belong to you.
Reframing this as a stress-behaviour, rather than a misbehavior, helped me see him with 'soft eyes'
I asked myself 'Why?'
Why this behaviour?
Why now?
And began to unpack the stressors that likely contributed to his state that prompted this.
Biological
He is tired. It is the end of kinder. It has been a long year.
His generous classmates have been handing out candy canes and chocolates and all kids of sweets and treats. Fair enough - but he doesn't cope with gluten, dairy or colors, number or preservatives. These substances cause him all kids of gut and behavioral issues.
Emotion
He is already emotionally labile with all the extra food substances he is trying to process
He has been experiencing disappointment when I say "no" to a food or activity that he wants.
There is a lot of anticipation around this time of year - Christmas, holidays, family events.
Big emotions are hard for little people (and big people!).
Cognitive
He is really interested in money at the moment. He has been doing extra chores to count and save for things he sees in the toys catalogue and to pay for something he needs to replace.
He was a kid in a meeting. Idle hands...
Social
He has massive FOMO. He is always in competition with everyone and never wants to miss out.
He sees all the kids at school eating foods that I don't allow, or he cannot cope with.
He said to me "I just want to be like everyone else"
Prosocial
He certainly feels and feeds off my stress which is increased at this time of year
He felt immense guilt and really struggled to tell me the truth about where he got the money from and battled withthe moral dilemma..
He has difficulty sharing not just physicla things but attention
There was quite a load on him in that split second in time. He wasn't thinking about what was right or wrong. He didn't do it to spite me or my colleague. He was operating from an overstressed state.
Reframing this as a stress behaviour and seeing him with 'soft eyes' shifted the way I approached him.
It helped me to stay calm so that I could use my rational brain, rather then slip into a dysregulated, high-emotion, self-control, 'angry mum' mindset. I empathized with his feelings of scarcity and wanting to fit in. I made a conscious note to address these underlying stressors with him in other ways, in a proactive manner.
Did I let him 'get away with it'? No, I didn't.
We worked on repairing the relationship/issue by taking the money back. We worked on understanding the purpose of a meaningful apology. I supported him to write an apology for when we took the money back, as he finds words hard to use when in a confrontation of sorts, as do many of us. We worked on identifying what he could do next time. We asked for forgiveness.
Have you dealt with children taking things that don't belong tot hem? Are you faced with together challenging behaviors at this time of year? Or at any time of the year !?! Have something we could reframe together? Comment below or get in touch.
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