Sometimes kids come to me with pre-determined goals (identifying your child’s goals is a whole other post!). Often, they will say things like “Johnny with learn strategies to self-regulate” or “Sarah will regulate her emotions in an age-appropriate manner”. Parents will talk about how they just want to work on their child’s behaviour, or not have them have meltdowns, or have better self-regulation skills.
But, here's the thing, self-regulation is not a skill we just acquire.
It is not a developmental milestone we can tick off.
Sat up at 6 months.
Walked at 12 months.
Had 20 words at 18 months old.
Self-regulated at…?
Self-regulation is something we continually work on. Children. Teens. Adults. Forever!
And we aren’t really made for SELF-regulation in isolation. We are wired for co-regulation first and foremost. The first step in our response to stress is connection – connecting with someone to co-regulate us, to help us calm.
When that doesn’t work, isn’t available, or our stress outweighs the effects of this strategy, we can move into fight, flight or fawn.
If that coping mechanism still doesn’t work, if the stress or threat is too great, we can move into a freeze response. This is the stress response hierarchy.
So... if Self-regulation is not a developmental milestone
to tick off when our kids "get" it,
what do we do instead?
We meet them where they are at. Recognise that their ‘thinking brain’ is not running the show. In the moment, their limbic or emotional brain has taken over
They don’t need a talking to, to be reasoned with or to come up with a way to “fix” it. In fact, they probably can’t hear or process what you are saying anyway.
Instead, they need soothing. That might be a cuddle or acknowledgement of how they are feeling. It could be time and space to express their emotions, to shift that emotional energy with you close by to keep them safe.
Once they have returned to a state of calm, and their ’thinking brain’ is able to process information again, you can support them in coming up with a plan for next time. You can also help them to see their behaviour for what it was – a sign, communication, that things were too much.
Recognising our underlying stress or triggers, tuning into our bodies when we are moving away from calm, and having some co-regulate us THAT is self-regulation. Those are the signs of self-regulation we are looking for, developing and constantly practising from childhood to adolescence, right through to adulthood.
Want some more info on recognising underlying triggers or stressors for your child? Check out my free checklist of example stressors in children here.
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