A little secret about me.... I love hip hop, particular Aussie trio Bliss n Eso whose song Weightless Wings lyrics I am referring to in the title of this blog post. I often have Bliss n Eso blaring in my car as I drive to work or between clients. For those of you with kiddies, the lyrics are often a bit explicit. Yet, it sings to me, literally. There are so many messages and values that I align with in their music.
"We exist in a bizarre combination of stone-age emotions, medieval beliefs..."
Lately I have been writing about focusing on myself and my own energy and how this can trigger feelings of guilt. But why? Why is this mum guilt so real? Why is it so strong that it changes our behaviour and can hinder us from looking after ourselves?
Stone-Age Emotions
Guilt has a purpose. Us mammals needs to raise young. We need to protect them so they live long enough to reproduce. Often when we go to step away from our babies or children, metaphorically or physically, the mum guilt kicks in and says "Whoa, Mumma! back you come!" This is nature's way of ensuring our kids are our number one priority.
On the flip side of the interbrain (our brain to brain hook-up or connection with our loved ones or those around us), is separation anxiety. If we step away, our children may feel anxious and scared, and seek that protection. Their self-protective mode kicks in and says "WAIT! this world is big and scary, you need your Mummy. MUUUUUUM!"
Nature has good intentions. To protect us. But the dangers of today are not the same as the dangers that were present when our human brains were developing many moons ago.
For example, I quit yoga because of mum guilt. Yoga. Often touted as one of the most peaceful, restorative pursuits. Yoga became a source of short term stress for me and my child, that mum guilt steered me away from. My child was safe, well cared for, and entertained in the small, quiet, calm creche in the very next room. Yet, this separation, for whatever reason, triggered my then 4-year-old into an over-stressed state. The tears and screaming and protesting, then triggered me. So I quit.
Yeah, I didn't have to. I could have worked through it. I 'should' have worked through it. But at the time, my stress load was so high, I couldn't see a way through, and reverted back to protection mode.
Medieval beliefs
I think many mothers can then fall into this pattern of martyrdom - suffering to prevent your child from feeling any discomfort or distress. Many other beliefs can play into this pattern:
"Children should always 'behave'"
"Other people will judge me on my child's behaviour"
"I have to 'fix' the big emotions"
These beliefs become blinkers. They cloud our perception of what is really happening e.g. my child was going through a developmental phase, he was having a bad day, he was feeling separated. For me, these beliefs trigger a negative thinking pattern and often push me over into a dysregulated, over-stressed state.
These stone-age emotions and medieval beliefs become stressors of their own. Big emotions and social stress drain our energy as well, and add to an overstressed state. We can get caught in a stress cycle.
Seeing another way
If you have experienced this, one of my biggest learnings has been awareness. If we can be aware of these big emotions and beliefs, if we can reframe them, we can step outside of them and see things for what they truly are. This can be really hard to do. I find I can do this better after the fact (hindsight is a wonderful thing). But the more I practice reflecting on and reframing what is happening for me from a self-reg perspective, the better I get at at. The more I reflect and reframe, the more it is becoming integrated into my way of thinking, being and interacting.
If you are interested in understanding more about stress and how it can impact our behaviour, follow my Facebook page to keep up to date about upcoming talks and events.
Comments