We all love our kids.
Would do anything for them.
Work our butts off.
Put our needs aside to give them everything we didn’t have.
Yet sometimes, connecting with them can be HARD. Particularly if you parent a child whose behaviour or needs don’t match our expectations, or that contrived image in our minds that tells us how they “should” behave, act, respond or just be.
For a while now, my eldest has been the one who takes more parenting energy – more spot fires to put out, more appointments to go to, more meetings to have, and more sleepless nights. But recently, I have noticed my connection with my youngest has been waning. Maybe that’s got to do with living in the shadow of this brother who inadvertently gets more attention, energy or time. Maybe it’s something else.
That pic is my baby. He’s now 10. When he was born, I had a 3-year-old under my toes, pretty high anxiety, a support network whose good intentions didn’t always match my needs, and this baby, who I called my ‘inflammation kid’.
He had the noisiest breathing as a result of a floppy larynx, which I am still convinced is causing sleep apnoea despite the sleep studies telling me otherwise – cue more anxiety and self-doubt, just what all mums need. He had terrible eczema, a bunch of elimination diets (including for the breastfeeding Mumma who had to give up chocolate!) and food intolerances. What kid is allergic to chicken? And the food intolerances continue 10 years later. It was, and still is, a constant battle.
Those early days were tough looking back. He was attached to my hip for the first 18 months. Wouldn’t go to anyone, not his Grandma or my best friend who had seen him at least once a week for the first 2 years of his life, his dad if I was lucky. I was his safe person.
Cut to today, and I have noticed this internal struggle to connect with him at times. Don’t get me wrong, love the kid to bits – would die for him. But connecting with him is hard work. He gets under my skin. I think it is partly to do with those early years and his need for connection being so demanding. His being so unsettled and demanding plus my stress load likely impacted our attachment.
He also shines a light on a bunch of things that trigger me. Like the universe is showing me a mirror for all those things he does that I could never do. I’m a self-sacrificing, perfectionist ‘fixer’. I do everything for everyone, rarely put my needs first (I know, do as I say, not as I do!), and want everything just so.
This kid only worries about himself, which is totally age-appropriate but grinds my gears. He is messy and dirty and doesn’t give a hoot about whether his clothes are on straight or backward. He is like a ‘bull in a China shop’ – breaks things, drops things, and leaves a wake of mess everywhere he goes, and doesn't look back. He has few responsibilities, and protests about the smallest chores, yet thinks his life is so bloody tough. This is in complete contrast to me as a kid. It was a different time and generation, I know. But I had chores that just had to be done, no complaints, no whinging, “don’t be selfish”, be presentable and “just so”. The good girl syndrome.
When it comes to connecting with this kid, my baby, it hasn’t been easy lately. When he is struggling and needs co-regulating, he pushes me away and screams “Leave me alone”. At other times when he does come in for a cuddle, I cringe at the dirty hands or food on his face and can’t help but send him away to the bathroom to clean himself up. Then he feels rejected and this cycle we are in perpetuates – he comes in, I push back, I go in, and he pushes back...
Breaking this cycle is tough.
Connection is key.
Relationship is everything. It is the foundation for self-regulation, parenting, and learning.
I need to pull myself up and see the behaviour for what it is – him being a kid, learning, his stress load. When he pushes back and screams at me, that is not my cue to fight back. That’s my cue to soften and lean in more. When he comes in for a cuddle, I need to soften and open (despite whatever that is on his face). These things are easier when I am managing my own stress, focusing on my own self-regulation, and practising what I preach.
I encourage you to see your child’s behaviour for what it is. Much of it may be connection-seeking. Pressing your buttons, starting an argument, impulsive actions, screaming, hitting – these are signs they need you. They need co-regulating. They need your calm, warm, safe presence. They need YOU.
Find those little moments of connection today. Whether it be a sticky-handed hug, a dirty-faced kiss, or something else. A tickle, a wrestle, a joke. A walk, a dance, a sing. Treasuring the rock you find in the washing machine. A hot chocolate or some other sneaky treat or ritual together. It might just be an extra moment to pause and watch them sleep (when they are finally quiet and still!).