Phew! It's been a big few weeks here.
The school holidays were spent in isolation with the 'spicy cough', getting back into school routines, a weekend away at a conference, presenting a workshop myself, a bunch of school events to get my kids to and from in the middle of the day while trying to see clients and run a business... and then someone ran into my car.
It is so easy to fall into the "why me" trap! Even more so when we are under a huge stress load. When over-stressed our brain actually slips into a negative bias - where EVERYTHING seems too hard, completely sh*t, or that the universe is out to get you. It is so easy to slip into negative bias and then it's a quick hop step and a jump into blame, shame, and self-loathing, particularly if you are a perfectionist like me.
Brains are funny like that. Sometimes we can see our thought patterns, and try to catch ourselves from spiralling down. But that isn't always easy, particularly if you have ingrained, automatic, or trauma responses that take over really easily. I used to (and still do) get really frustrated at some of the mindset culture about just changing our mindset or thinking positively to get ourselves out of a slump. Those things CAN be helpful, but sometimes they can just add to the feelings of failure en you can't think yourself out of a stressed stated.
So what can you do instead?
1. Reframe your behaviour and thoughts:
When you notice those 'the whole world sucks why did this have to happen to me' thoughts, recognise that this is your brain's way of telling you that there is too much on your plate. You have reached your capacity and need a brain - your brain is saying (or screaming) "THIS IS TOO MUCH". This is not you being a Negative Nacy, or not being thick-skinned enough to just suck it up. This is your very clever brain's stress response, telling you to slow down and take a break. Just by acknowledging this, even thanking your brain if you like, you take the pressure yourself thinking you need to be always happy, life is roses, I just need to brush it off...
2. Recognise the stress load you are under:
About 90% of the families and educators I am supporting at the moment are ALL saying the same things - They are on the brink of burnout. Burnout occurs when our stress outweighs e energy we have - and we just keep pushing on. Take stock of all the things you have on your plate (handy checklist here)- some of it is life, things we just can't avoid. Some of it is a busy season, like the age of your kids, bouts of sickness, or the seemingly never-ending pandemic anxiety. But all of it adds up. Although our brains are super clever at keeping us alive and telling us when it is too much, they are;t cut out for all this stress, we haven't evolved that quickly. By taking stock, you can see what stress you are under, and be a little kinder to yourself.
3. Reduce the stress you can so you have the energy to deal with the priorities
When negative bias kicks in EVERYTHING can seem urgent and important. By taking stock (step 2) can give us a little more space to see what actually is important or unavoidable. Give yourself a break. Take things off your list, Or put them aside for another day.
Kids need to be fed -but do they need cooked breakfast, lunches, and dinners from 100% fresh, organic meals made from scratch for every meal?
Kids need connection - but do they need ventures to busy, overcrowded play centres that stress you out or activities that take ages to set up and clean up to only be played with for 5 mins? Or can you snuggle up for a movie or the 'doctor game' where you lay down for 5 minutes and they 'fix' you?
4. Recognise when things are building up
This is harder said than down and often easier after the fact when you collapse in a heap or have a Mumma meltdown. For me, little signs like binging on too much chocolate, staying up late and scrolling to numb out, feeling puffed out and anxious just from day to day life (not actual exercise!), and even slacking off on my walks or avoiding other things I know need doing, are all signs my stress load is getting to high, and my brain is trying to put me in survival mode. Do you know your signs?
5. Rest, rest, rest
One of the hardest things r us Mumma's. Resting when everything feels urgent and important and everyone wants or needs something from you is HARD (not to mention um guilt and the blame game...). Sometimes when you are so focused on everyone and everything else, it can be hard to even know what your body needs, to know HOW to rest, and to know what fills your cup. And who has time for that anyway! You've gotta make time - nobody else will. And if you are running on empty, how the heck are you going to look after yourself so you can look after everyone else?
Maybe you need to just breathe. To get some sun on your face. To have a hot cuppa in peace. What is it for you?
If you want to create a safe, quiet space to down-regulate or wind down for you and your kids, check out my free checklist 'Safe Space to Down-Regulate' here.
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